he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
