I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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