Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
