Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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