I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
