I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
