4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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