My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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