I'm so fucking centered right now
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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