You really coming over, don't trick.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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