3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
