sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
