Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
