Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
