Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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