....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
