My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
