Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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