I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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