I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
