the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
