he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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