I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
