you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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