Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
