woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
