batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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