Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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