so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
