$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
