I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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