You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
