it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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