somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
