he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
There's even glitter on my cock...
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