so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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