do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
