you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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