someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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