Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
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sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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