ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
