why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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