I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
