He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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