Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
