I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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