mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
