shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
