just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
