Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
