does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
