Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Mom said you looked used
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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