i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
