final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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