my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
