he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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