oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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