I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
